Almost every parent I sit with has said some version of this to me at some point: "I said the exact thing my mom used to say, and I hate that I said it." It's usually a small thing. A tone. A phrase. A way of going quiet instead of talking something through. And it comes out of nowhere, mid-sentence, mid-moment, and lands with this strange double feeling: it worked, in the sense that the kid stopped whatever they were doing, and it also felt like betraying something you promi

When something isn't going well with our kids, it's pretty natural to start with the kid. How do I get her to stop melting down? How do I get him to listen? What should I say when she talks to me like that? How do I get them to stop fighting? What consequence should I use? I've asked those questions, too. But what if sometimes we're starting in the wrong place? What if, before asking How do I change what my child is doing?, we got curious about what their behavior is doing in